Perhaps in some other universe there's a version of me that rightly killed him when he grew to cause me too much pain.
[If what Ezra had told him was to be believed, there were infinite versions of himself out there in the multiverse. Surely there was a few of them out there who had managed to overcome his own personal boogeyman and slain him as he so richly deserved.
He continued stroking Savage's horns slowly and affectionately. His poor brother didn't look or feel his best in the Force.]
You should eat something to regain your strength.
[He nodded slowly at the mention of Usagi obliterating Sidious. Now there was a satisfying image in his mind's eye.]
While Usagi's help will be well-appreciated, I don't need to leave everything to her if he comes back. I've learned I've always had the strength within me to defeat him. I just needed to know how to access it.
[It wasn't just about revenge and anger. It was also about love and compassion, his bravery and determination to protect those he'd come to care about here in Trench which had finally allowed him to access the power he needed to defeat his old master once and for all.]
Some other universe? Are you saying there are multiple versions beyond these few that we've been to?
[He supposed that it made sense, and he allowed himself to be distracted from the notion that there were many versions of himself and his family well beyond this one. Maybe one where Maul stayed. Maybe one where he went with his brother so Maul wouldn't be so alone as a child. Maybe one where Sidious died early and Maul returned to Dathomir. Maybe one where Feral survived.
His eyes half closed as he lost himself in all the versions of his brothers' lives that could have existed in so many places. It was easier to put them in better places than himself, which still felt... lost and damaged from Sidious's presence. His fingers twitched at Maul's comment, and he gave a small shake of his head where it was pillowed on his arm.]
I don't feel like eating, brother.
[He made a noise in his throat acknowledging it to be true that Maul had clearly come up with methods to deal with the old Master should the man return. He slowly reached out his metal hand to set it on his elder brother's side, watching the rise and fall of both with each breath that Maul took. He turned his gaze upon his brother, frowning slightly.]
If... he does come back and he possesses me, I need you to kill us both. I can't... [He trailed off, unable to articulate the corruption that still felt like a stain on the inside of him.]
It is a theory some people here have. I do not know if it is the truth.
[Sometimes, it comforted Maul to think of the idea that there were other versions of himself out there who had better lives than he. Other times, it just made him bitter and angry, wondering why he was the version who'd had to suffer through such awful pain during the course of his life.
Maul leaned over and looked into his brother's eyes when he said he didn't feel like eating.]
No food? Are you certain you're alright?
[Be that as it may, Maul still called over the little labor droid who had come in with his three probe droids in the portals several months back. He told the little creature to prepare some meat. If Savage still didn't want it when it was done, Maul would eat it himself. Whether the little droid could perform the task adequately or not remained to be seen, but he went off with a cheerful 'Voooo vvill!']
Savage, I....I can't promise that...
[Maul looked stricken, both at the idea of Savage being possessed again and having to kill his brother. That was one thing this place had never forced him to do no matter how many torments it had thrust upon them. He just couldn't kill his brother. To do so would break something inside of him that might never be repaired again.]
I suppose it doesn't matter. We only have one life to live as our own. They aren't us.
[As pleasant as the idea might seem, he expected that it also could be a lot worse. Those versions of them - if they existed at all - could have lived better lives, or they could have lived worse ones. Maybe Maul could have been so much more or him or Feral... or they could have been reduced so much less in their lives. He had lived his life, and he had few regrets with the decisions that he had made so he'd stick with what he knew.
His eyes flicked up when Maul leaned over him, an annoyed frown twisting his lips at his brother's concern over his lack of appetite. He knew it came from a good place, but he was frayed emotionally and mentally and the fretting sometimes just reminded him that he should be better by now.
Instead of answering, he just pressed his face into Maul's chest like a needy kit and kept it buried there while his brother decided to get food anyway. His arm tightened around his brother's waist instead of committing one way or another to the idea of food. He should eat, but he didn't have an appetite.
His hand splayed across Maul's back at the stricken sound of his brother's voice to his request. It was unfair to ask that of Maul; it was unfair to ask it of anyone that cared for him, but if it came down to it, he actually wanted to die than feel that oily presence sliding through his mind, his flesh, corrupting every pleasant memory.]
[He let Savage hold onto him, putting one of his own hands on the back of his little brother's head beneath his horns. The other rubbed his back in a comforting manner. He really had underestimated how such a horrible experience would have affected Savage's mental state. Maul had never been good at healing his own trauma but at least now he had more coping skills than before. Perhaps he could help his brother get through this.]
You won't have to make that decision ever again. I'll stop him before he ever gets close to you ever again.
[Now that he knew how to banish Sidious' spirit back to the ocean, he wouldn't let a repeat of what had happened ever occur again. Sidious would know better than to face his wrathful apprentice and hopefully that meant he would stay put in the sea.]
[He wanted, even needed, to believe his brother's assurances, but there was so much doubt. That was one of Sidious' powers, to sow doubt and discord in a logical manner, and he could still hear some of those whispers if he allowed his thoughts to focus on what the experience had been like. It shouldn't affect him like this; he was a warrior, a Nightbrother who had survived childhood, trials, hunts and even becoming a monster from Nightsister magic.
His arms tightened to a nearly bone-crushing degree around Maul, and he butted his head towards the hand against his skin.]
I know you will, brother. You can't... don't ever let his spirit infest you either. I know you're stronger than I am, but he will do everything he can to destroy you from the inside.
[Perhaps what he feared more was his brother falling victim. His brother had a stronger character, and with these new skills, he believe Maul would fight Sidious off. Still, the fear made it easy to shift to anger in defense of his elder brother, if only mentally right now. Hence why he remained clingy.]
[There was a wheeze from Maul as the breath was crushed from him. Becoming needy when they'd experienced something horrible mentally was a trait he and Savage shared in common, so he could understand why his brother needed reassurance at the moment. He rubbed Savage's head with gentle affection.]
He already tried to do that my whole life. And he failed.
[Maul said the words with great satisfaction. He would always be able to say that Sidious had not broken him completely. He'd come close when he broke Maul down into pieces and built him back up by turning him into a weapon but he'd never been able to eliminate Maul as he was his core entirely. Maul had still been a person underneath the warped loyalty and devotion that had caused him to act as his master's faithful lightsaber.]
He'll never be able to do that to me again. I've beaten him now and know I can do it again.
[He burned his face against Maul's shoulder, letting the stroking to the back of his head comfort him. The elder Zabrak was extremely protective of him, and he appreciated that he could find safety with Maul as he slowly recovered himself from the experience that had shaken him to his core. His brother's master was a terrible force to feel so close, worse than when he and Maul had simply fought Sidious.]
I hate that Mother waited until we were adults to send me to find you. I should have been sent when I was old enough to explore on my own.
[Would he have stood a chance? Maybe. He had limited knowledge of how well his brother was guarded, but he knew that being bloodkin would have meant a lot to Maul who had been denied so much as a kit under Sidious' care. He knew there was nothing that could be done about it, that they had lived their lives as Talzin had determined until she was ready to seize the opportunity.
She could hardly be considered a selfish woman. She had the clans to consider, though perhaps she didn't trust that he had the skills to seek Maul out successfully.]
I'm not sure I would have been able to accept what you offered had you come for me at that time. He had me thoroughly brainwashed to me completely loyal to him and serve him as a faithful weapon.
[Maul would have been in his late teens or early twenties when Savage had come of age. At that point, his loyalty to Sidious was absolute. There was no thoughts of betraying him in his mind whatsoever. Had his brother come for him, there was every possibility Maul would have been too scared and confused to accept what he had to offer.
In the worst case, he might have even been angry enough to try to kill Savage, a thought that didn't bear thinking about, but which he was honest enough to know was a distinct possibility. If Sidious had known he was being contacted by his family, he would have told him to kill his brother as test of loyalty to his master. There was no doubt about it.
He pulled Savage close to him, continuing to stroke his head gently. He murmured softly to him.]
I know. I would do whatever I had to for my family, even if you potentially attacked me.
[It wouldn't have mattered to him, just to see his brother in the element of being a Sith. He would always be loyal to his kin, and Feral might have even been safer without him. It didn't matter, of course, because there was no way to go back in time to try to find his elder brother.
He had Maul now, and that was important even if it had required a significant amount of suffering and neglect at the hands of that master. And if those experiences hadn't happened they wouldn't be where they were today.]
I know nothing could change if we were to be here as we are now, but I wished you had been given a longer opportunity to be a Nightbrother with us.
[He shuddered and nodded, rocking his brother side to side with his grip. He dispelled as much of his residual fear for the moment knowing that his brother would stand in the way of Sidious.]
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[If what Ezra had told him was to be believed, there were infinite versions of himself out there in the multiverse. Surely there was a few of them out there who had managed to overcome his own personal boogeyman and slain him as he so richly deserved.
He continued stroking Savage's horns slowly and affectionately. His poor brother didn't look or feel his best in the Force.]
You should eat something to regain your strength.
[He nodded slowly at the mention of Usagi obliterating Sidious. Now there was a satisfying image in his mind's eye.]
While Usagi's help will be well-appreciated, I don't need to leave everything to her if he comes back. I've learned I've always had the strength within me to defeat him. I just needed to know how to access it.
[It wasn't just about revenge and anger. It was also about love and compassion, his bravery and determination to protect those he'd come to care about here in Trench which had finally allowed him to access the power he needed to defeat his old master once and for all.]
no subject
[He supposed that it made sense, and he allowed himself to be distracted from the notion that there were many versions of himself and his family well beyond this one. Maybe one where Maul stayed. Maybe one where he went with his brother so Maul wouldn't be so alone as a child. Maybe one where Sidious died early and Maul returned to Dathomir. Maybe one where Feral survived.
His eyes half closed as he lost himself in all the versions of his brothers' lives that could have existed in so many places. It was easier to put them in better places than himself, which still felt... lost and damaged from Sidious's presence. His fingers twitched at Maul's comment, and he gave a small shake of his head where it was pillowed on his arm.]
I don't feel like eating, brother.
[He made a noise in his throat acknowledging it to be true that Maul had clearly come up with methods to deal with the old Master should the man return. He slowly reached out his metal hand to set it on his elder brother's side, watching the rise and fall of both with each breath that Maul took. He turned his gaze upon his brother, frowning slightly.]
If... he does come back and he possesses me, I need you to kill us both. I can't... [He trailed off, unable to articulate the corruption that still felt like a stain on the inside of him.]
no subject
[Sometimes, it comforted Maul to think of the idea that there were other versions of himself out there who had better lives than he. Other times, it just made him bitter and angry, wondering why he was the version who'd had to suffer through such awful pain during the course of his life.
Maul leaned over and looked into his brother's eyes when he said he didn't feel like eating.]
No food? Are you certain you're alright?
[Be that as it may, Maul still called over the little labor droid who had come in with his three probe droids in the portals several months back. He told the little creature to prepare some meat. If Savage still didn't want it when it was done, Maul would eat it himself. Whether the little droid could perform the task adequately or not remained to be seen, but he went off with a cheerful 'Voooo vvill!']
Savage, I....I can't promise that...
[Maul looked stricken, both at the idea of Savage being possessed again and having to kill his brother. That was one thing this place had never forced him to do no matter how many torments it had thrust upon them. He just couldn't kill his brother. To do so would break something inside of him that might never be repaired again.]
no subject
[As pleasant as the idea might seem, he expected that it also could be a lot worse. Those versions of them - if they existed at all - could have lived better lives, or they could have lived worse ones. Maybe Maul could have been so much more or him or Feral... or they could have been reduced so much less in their lives. He had lived his life, and he had few regrets with the decisions that he had made so he'd stick with what he knew.
His eyes flicked up when Maul leaned over him, an annoyed frown twisting his lips at his brother's concern over his lack of appetite. He knew it came from a good place, but he was frayed emotionally and mentally and the fretting sometimes just reminded him that he should be better by now.
Instead of answering, he just pressed his face into Maul's chest like a needy kit and kept it buried there while his brother decided to get food anyway. His arm tightened around his brother's waist instead of committing one way or another to the idea of food. He should eat, but he didn't have an appetite.
His hand splayed across Maul's back at the stricken sound of his brother's voice to his request. It was unfair to ask that of Maul; it was unfair to ask it of anyone that cared for him, but if it came down to it, he actually wanted to die than feel that oily presence sliding through his mind, his flesh, corrupting every pleasant memory.]
I'd... do it myself if he would have let me...
no subject
You won't have to make that decision ever again. I'll stop him before he ever gets close to you ever again.
[Now that he knew how to banish Sidious' spirit back to the ocean, he wouldn't let a repeat of what had happened ever occur again. Sidious would know better than to face his wrathful apprentice and hopefully that meant he would stay put in the sea.]
no subject
His arms tightened to a nearly bone-crushing degree around Maul, and he butted his head towards the hand against his skin.]
I know you will, brother. You can't... don't ever let his spirit infest you either. I know you're stronger than I am, but he will do everything he can to destroy you from the inside.
[Perhaps what he feared more was his brother falling victim. His brother had a stronger character, and with these new skills, he believe Maul would fight Sidious off. Still, the fear made it easy to shift to anger in defense of his elder brother, if only mentally right now. Hence why he remained clingy.]
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He already tried to do that my whole life. And he failed.
[Maul said the words with great satisfaction. He would always be able to say that Sidious had not broken him completely. He'd come close when he broke Maul down into pieces and built him back up by turning him into a weapon but he'd never been able to eliminate Maul as he was his core entirely. Maul had still been a person underneath the warped loyalty and devotion that had caused him to act as his master's faithful lightsaber.]
He'll never be able to do that to me again. I've beaten him now and know I can do it again.
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I hate that Mother waited until we were adults to send me to find you. I should have been sent when I was old enough to explore on my own.
[Would he have stood a chance? Maybe. He had limited knowledge of how well his brother was guarded, but he knew that being bloodkin would have meant a lot to Maul who had been denied so much as a kit under Sidious' care. He knew there was nothing that could be done about it, that they had lived their lives as Talzin had determined until she was ready to seize the opportunity.
She could hardly be considered a selfish woman. She had the clans to consider, though perhaps she didn't trust that he had the skills to seek Maul out successfully.]
Good. You're the best defense against him.
no subject
[Maul would have been in his late teens or early twenties when Savage had come of age. At that point, his loyalty to Sidious was absolute. There was no thoughts of betraying him in his mind whatsoever. Had his brother come for him, there was every possibility Maul would have been too scared and confused to accept what he had to offer.
In the worst case, he might have even been angry enough to try to kill Savage, a thought that didn't bear thinking about, but which he was honest enough to know was a distinct possibility. If Sidious had known he was being contacted by his family, he would have told him to kill his brother as test of loyalty to his master. There was no doubt about it.
He pulled Savage close to him, continuing to stroke his head gently. He murmured softly to him.]
I'll never allow him to touch you again. Never.
no subject
[It wouldn't have mattered to him, just to see his brother in the element of being a Sith. He would always be loyal to his kin, and Feral might have even been safer without him. It didn't matter, of course, because there was no way to go back in time to try to find his elder brother.
He had Maul now, and that was important even if it had required a significant amount of suffering and neglect at the hands of that master. And if those experiences hadn't happened they wouldn't be where they were today.]
I know nothing could change if we were to be here as we are now, but I wished you had been given a longer opportunity to be a Nightbrother with us.
[He shuddered and nodded, rocking his brother side to side with his grip. He dispelled as much of his residual fear for the moment knowing that his brother would stand in the way of Sidious.]
Thank you, brother. I believe you.